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Tina Newberry

I live in South Philly and used to be young, sporty, and lively. Now I'm old, decrepit, and complain a lot.

I got an art education at various places and wound up in South Philly. I teach at local schools and shop at the Acme. I paint in my spare time while watching TV.

After an expensive and extensive art education, I became a cleaning lady. This helped me hone my skills with sweeping strokes. None of which are actually in my paintings. It's the thought that counts [...]

Branded, 20" x 10", 2005.
"Branded, scorned as the one who ran. What do you do when you're branded and you know you're a man?"











Dress-Ups, 17" x 10", 1997.
"Wearing pantyhose makes me feel like a transvestite."

[More]



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shitmydadsays

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“You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it….I don’t give a shit about your evidence, this isn’t a court of law."



"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"



"The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that."



"When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot."






[More]







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If I Had a Penis

Lynn Behrendt


If I had a penis I’d wear it outside in cafés.
If I had a penis I would definitely worship it.
If I had a penis I’d pamper it.
If I had a penis, and it was un-cut, I’d play with the skin all day.
If I had a penis I would enjoy earning 22% more than I normally do.
If I had a penis I’d research first then ask on a public website where your grandmother would see.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t be destructive.
If I had a penis I would kill myself, they’re disgusting.
If I had a penis I’d take it to parties.
If I had a penis I would totally hang shit off it.
If I had a penis I’d run to my mother, comb out the hair, and compare it to brother.
If I had a penis I would love that penis in ways in which no one has.
If I had a penis I would probably never get much done.
If I had a penis the size of a coke can.
If I had a penis I would be the Steve McQueen of urinating.
If I had a penis I would treat people like crap, cheat, lie and all the while be loved for it.
If I had a penis I would be taken a hell of a lot more seriously.
If I had a penis and that penis were infected, I would be more worried about the scaly, itchy, oozing rash than what it “smelled” like.
If I had a penis you know what I would do with it.
If I had a penis I would shoot it like a gun. That would be my plan.
If I had a penis or if I thought I had a penis or something like that.
If I had a penis first I’d chop it off then I’d name it Winnie the Strangely Proportioned.
If I had a penis he’d wear a bow tie.
If I had a penis my penis would be friends with everyone.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t let anyone but God tamper with it.
If I had a penis it’d be named Little Juan.
If I had a penis I’d call him big Jim and the twins.
If I had a penis I’d name him Zorg Thrustor.
If I had a penis it would be named Captain James Fitzhew.
If I had a penis I’d name it Dick Van Dike because I’m destined to be misunderstood.
If I had a penis I would name it Darth Penis because I think penises look like they are adorned with Darth Vader helmets.
If I had a penis I would probably be jobless.
If I had a penis I’d be heartless.
If I had a penis I would never ever EVER put it against a shower door.
If I had a penis I’d rub it on a scratching post first.
If I had a penis that ejaculated money.
If I had a penis I would use it to write my name in butter.
If I had a penis I too would be shooting demons out of it to sell on ebay.
If I had a penis I would have to ask you to call me an insensitive prick.
If I had a penis perhaps I would care.
If I had a penis I’d get to be funny too.
If I had a penis I would use it as a donut/horse shoe/peach ring holder.
If I had a penis I would slam it in the door.
If I had a penis I would put it in a jar of peanut butter.
If I had a penis two-thirds the size of my body.
If I had a penis I would name it after famous poets like Byron or Shelley, wait, not Shelley, that’s a girl’s name.
If I had a penis I would want people to call it Mayor.
If I had a penis and a mustache.
If I had a penis, which I don’t, I wouldn’t wear that thing.
If I had a penis then I wouldn’t have needed those bananas.
If I had a penis I could urinate all over anyone who tried to attack me in a public bathroom.
If I had a penis I would try to fold it and see if it hurts.
If I had a penis we’d be in trouble.
If I had a penis like that I would have to get the rest of my body in shape in order to handle the added physical stress.
If I had a penis, one of those strange harmless-looking things swinging back and forth like a baby elephant trunk.
If I had a penis I would hate the dangling feeling.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t want anyone coming anywhere near it with a knife or a scalpel or whatever.
If I had a penis I would most definitely refer to it as “the spear of destiny.”
If I had a penis full of metal, I wouldn’t be making the statement, “Hey, look at my penis full of metal!”
If I had a penis I would curl a pearl necklace around it and all the publishers would line up.
If I had a penis and red hair.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t post it online.
If I had a penis 58 inches long I would have to learn to be creative.
If I had a penis I’d have surgery to have the horrid thing removed.
If I had a penis twin it would definitely be Jerry.
If I had a penis, I thought, I’d be assisting Pierre Monteaux.








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A Florida woman was duped into changing diapers

and providing care for a man she met through Craigslist who feigned disabilities. Turns out the man who hired Janet Schulte to look after an adult brother with diminished mental capacity was the same guy she bottle-fed and treated like a child for 3 months.

Janet Schulte believed the man when he told her by phone that his 40-something, disabled brother needed a caregiver who could bottle-feed him and change his diapers.

"I feel violated," Schulte said, sharing her story because she said the man has deceived other women and will try again. "I feel disgusted."

Investigators and prosecutors have refused to pursue charges, saying Schulte was paid [$600 a week] and agreed to provide the care.

"I consented to change his diapers, but I legitimately thought this man needed help," she said. "How can that not be a crime for him to come into my house and expose himself?"

Schulte said he never broke character, and on the phone always gave an excuse when she tried to meet his "brother."

She and her husband got suspicious and found the man out after subtle behavior changes and a few late payments.

[Source]




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The Joydick,

a wearable haptic device for controlling video gameplay based on realtime male masturbation:

[Sent by Iain Keith]

"motherfucker with gonarea,"

as found at the Anacostia stop of the Washington Metro, 7/2/09:

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Tie One On

Alex Gildzen

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Hot Blonde Brazilian Bank Teller Amoeba

Lanny Quarles




I am here again..

Amoeba breaking wind,
non-upgraded, fixed lumbar bmw seat
hole filled with black plug
[wink]

I am Amoeba
hear me roar.

I could paint a really cool picture
anytime I am in Starbucks shopping.
Like, I am having this fantasy about a
Brazilian bank-teller

she's a bank teller

blonde amoeba

tube-top

I'm cashing checks
and she sounds like
some 70's comedian
talking about her pussy

I'm all

"lens-cap"
"hyper-procedure"
"matter-ghetto-utopia"

She's all

"pussy-mafia"
"I saw your BMW.."
"Tube-Top"

and that is when the

Shiva-Turkey-Molecule example
burns through the post-man's eyelids

It's like the postman
who always rings twice
has returned to Starbucks

in his mermaid-mobile

Where I am still sitting there
with the Advil crowd

trying to paint this picture
on a bulldozer scoop in the parking lot

a painting of this obscure
French poet of the 17th century
not Ronsard

this poet who hangs out by the fire
spitting

In America
people don't like the French
nor being told
that humans are like

Amoebas with internal crutch-assemblages

They are already all like

"my manatee"
"super quantum"
"spin brigades are doubling"

and then I am just so
like into Starbucks,
my Wives of Merry Windsor knots,
these memories of woodchucks

It's a huge hangover I get
from being wet inside
like a bank teller

I'm all, like I say something inane like
"He's a professor.."
when she shows me her

comedic principle..







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[Collected by Bob Bobster, with this caption, "Physical examination of aviation recruits at the Episcopal Eye & Ear Hospital, Washington, D.C. Bones, joints, flat foot, etc., 1918. From the New York Public Library.]

Condom Song in Telugu

from Nrityanjali Academy, Andhra Pradesh, India:

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Lysistrata defending the Acropolis, 1929

Aubrey Beardsley

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Curios

collected by Bob Bobster:

[1922, from the Library of Congress]




















[Source]


















[Priest of Bacchus & Attendant, 1814, from the Library of Congress.]



















[The Pinochle girl, 1928, from the Library of Congress.]

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Late Weather

Linh Dinh

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Dorothea Tanning

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Sleeping Nude, 1969-70. Mixed media. 385 x 1089 x 535 mm.













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Excerpt from “Notes on Demolition of a House,” from Living Rooms

David Wolach






Superset of Objects, Subjects: Hallway&Bathroom/Lower Body, Floorplan

A, tibialis anticus muscle/interior wall}{B, the long saphena vein/extension cord}{C, tibialis posticus muscle/outer wall}{D, the inner malleolus/drywall}{E-H, muscles of the leg/moldings (shit painted)}{I, venae comites/outline of things (night)}{K, posterior tibial artery/inlaid shelf (4x7)}{L, posterior tibial nerve/precaution at a certain hour}{M, the tibia/floor (shit tile}{N, the fibula/ceiling}{O, the fascia/wallpaper (not paisley)}]

Hallway&Bathroom/Lower Body, An Architecture

american
endocrine
system
filters in binary C++
slowed by
confessional poetry
fetish
scalpel
guided by

1) historical precedent or
2) armchair muhajadeen

enter the kidney deeply & pick
your title at random
randomizer got salad shooter
home-a-rama makeshift other
clutter & title & chances are
historical precedent
will fortify the walls of our [organs] living
theater

enter the rectum deeply & pick
your title at random
randomizer - got salad shooter
home-a-rama makeshift other
clutter & title & chances are
historical precedent
fuck itself again

(relaxation, amplitude >16mz)

rind round the spines & gutters
of the ischia

“won’t go much deeper than”

line B

drawn from

the anus      as is

line A

as are      lines      D

E

F      etc

gerald stern?
billy collins?
loop of bowel?
3 different volumes of robert frost?
herniated groin?
necrotic striations at the right upper tibialus?
three thousand clams for 15 min “visit” w/o happy ending

On the bowel

Cashews are now, and forever will be, your enemy. Spiteful, that churning is best thought of something not to think about. Prepare yourself for long stays in a small room, one chair, watery explosive diarrhea imported from Shanghai, and mirrors that must be preemptively covered for Shiva. Take this as the will to nap or pray, nap and pray, whatever suits. Distention is attractive during all circus acts. Think of strange crushes, those few citizens of our superb population who have funhouse mirrors for eyes, olfactory glands teetering on non-existent. What goes up must come down. What goes down might come up. This kind of near-symmetry is beautiful, were “beauty” a term definable.

the prostate lies like new money

we piss [blood] pleasantries as denial
approaches

infinity

pain is a urinal in a coffee

table book

talk is the language of eidos

scalpel

the language of

gressos

still deeper

get      to the bottom

         of the bottom

of the bottom

In my efforts to restore his equanimity, I had forgotten my broom and dust-pan, lying in the middle of the floor; forgotten John's big boots, not only on the lounge, but directly on one of Jane's most exquisite tidies; forgotten—actually forgotten—the baby, and was treating my disturbed husband in genuine ante-matrimonial style, when, of all things to happen at this very crisis, in marched Sister Jane and her cavalier!

“Getting to his bottom”

“Get out”

“Wait, get in here I like your style”

“Apprehensive wand feeler”

On the Reproductive System

Do not reproduce. If reproduction has already occurred, seek immediate advice from your horoscope. Realize that Benjamin’s inaccuracy was only in degrees, and due almost entirely to a perverse hopefulness. Your spawn will have auras, and these auras are named Genocide, Why Daddy, and Still Birth. And when from television you parrot that you did not know that your condition could have led to your E.D., you’re either lying or an idiot. This, beyond all quick fixes, pill popping and knee-jerk purchase of large all-terrain vehicles, must be discussed with your physician. Also: the option of perversion is now an acceptable option, and as such, is void of any taboo, which might have led to your E.D. Also: your E.D. might have led to your condition. Do not discuss this with your physician, as, finally, your physician might have led to your E.D. Q.E.D.

to the attaching kitchen to the E to the talk talk talk
to the remarked on talk(shows) in a waiting place

wheel
birch
dendrite

to the malleoli to the sheaths for the several
to the extensor tendons to the bankrupt & wet to the house that thins
to the front of our joint

____________________________
1      12 Steps to Kubla Kahn

1. easement of pain
2. loss of self-rule
3. habitual unrestraint
4. devolution
5. narrative gained in the “Vision of Sudden Death” !!!
6. ninety grains a day
7. husband doctor = good
8. causes sleep
9. gives rise to nausea
10. leaves him sufficiently wretched
11. diarrhea explosive watery intermittent genius followed by
12. genius fiat bloating vomit and shit simultaneous
13. deepening of some lines and the erasure of others but
14. disturbances which come from the poet sober = same same same

“My joint”

“A joint joint”

“A joint custody battle over the falling C D tower of babble”

“The stalling shower”

“The experimental treatment of you in the shower”

“The experimental treat of you”

[cunt/cock/exfoliate/trim/takeoff/cut/ad vice]

two layers
superficial & deep
achilles & boar
if the if had no condition
than kareoke

2 Excerpts from “ReDrawing Rooms,” from Living Rooms












Strategies for Ass Kissing With Benefits

from Prefab Eulogies


“I am a brochure.”


“But be honest, adorable and fucking are management skills in certain circles
that diagram well.”



“Secretary me again, this time with inhibition.”




A Bit of Information Regarding The Dialog 1:

Reading Kristeva beckons ethereal magnitudes despite methodology lacking that ice Wittgenstein slashed at dawn with his own lurking biases

“Play well, lover. Face of sand

sweetens talking under

the buzzard trees of Detroit

Trenton

Peoria. My nugget is curled inside

post-industrial facial rigidity. How else

could we ever advertise you? Fever embellishments,

rubber gloves, cute thronging stutter, ekphrastic name calling. Your

hot candles of aesthetic pluralism, how they burn me.”

A Bit of Information About The Dialog (2) & Why I Chose to Shift It To Verse 1:

Our mutual enemies moving in those certain circles, wheels for our shiny awesome vehicular off the line vroom vroom brochure brochure. Sontag cannot possibly save us. We must hurry, and begin with wishes for no discernible end—and also it might be good to avoid interpreters fyi















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Crimen

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Rachel Defay-Liautard

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Mike's initiative

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I've always liked this house because of its improvised garden. Walking by yesterday, I noticed condoms on a table, so I talked to the house's owner, Mike, who was sitting on the stoop. He had placed them there so strangers could take them, he said. When I remarked that they seemed kind of old, he went back inside and brought out a fresh batch, including strawberry flavored ones. "Has anyone taken them?" I asked. "Only two," he responded, "but I've only had them out a week." As a woman walked by, Mike yelled, "Do you want a condom?"



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