If I Had a Penis

Lynn Behrendt


If I had a penis I’d wear it outside in cafés.
If I had a penis I would definitely worship it.
If I had a penis I’d pamper it.
If I had a penis, and it was un-cut, I’d play with the skin all day.
If I had a penis I would enjoy earning 22% more than I normally do.
If I had a penis I’d research first then ask on a public website where your grandmother would see.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t be destructive.
If I had a penis I would kill myself, they’re disgusting.
If I had a penis I’d take it to parties.
If I had a penis I would totally hang shit off it.
If I had a penis I’d run to my mother, comb out the hair, and compare it to brother.
If I had a penis I would love that penis in ways in which no one has.
If I had a penis I would probably never get much done.
If I had a penis the size of a coke can.
If I had a penis I would be the Steve McQueen of urinating.
If I had a penis I would treat people like crap, cheat, lie and all the while be loved for it.
If I had a penis I would be taken a hell of a lot more seriously.
If I had a penis and that penis were infected, I would be more worried about the scaly, itchy, oozing rash than what it “smelled” like.
If I had a penis you know what I would do with it.
If I had a penis I would shoot it like a gun. That would be my plan.
If I had a penis or if I thought I had a penis or something like that.
If I had a penis first I’d chop it off then I’d name it Winnie the Strangely Proportioned.
If I had a penis he’d wear a bow tie.
If I had a penis my penis would be friends with everyone.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t let anyone but God tamper with it.
If I had a penis it’d be named Little Juan.
If I had a penis I’d call him big Jim and the twins.
If I had a penis I’d name him Zorg Thrustor.
If I had a penis it would be named Captain James Fitzhew.
If I had a penis I’d name it Dick Van Dike because I’m destined to be misunderstood.
If I had a penis I would name it Darth Penis because I think penises look like they are adorned with Darth Vader helmets.
If I had a penis I would probably be jobless.
If I had a penis I’d be heartless.
If I had a penis I would never ever EVER put it against a shower door.
If I had a penis I’d rub it on a scratching post first.
If I had a penis that ejaculated money.
If I had a penis I would use it to write my name in butter.
If I had a penis I too would be shooting demons out of it to sell on ebay.
If I had a penis I would have to ask you to call me an insensitive prick.
If I had a penis perhaps I would care.
If I had a penis I’d get to be funny too.
If I had a penis I would use it as a donut/horse shoe/peach ring holder.
If I had a penis I would slam it in the door.
If I had a penis I would put it in a jar of peanut butter.
If I had a penis two-thirds the size of my body.
If I had a penis I would name it after famous poets like Byron or Shelley, wait, not Shelley, that’s a girl’s name.
If I had a penis I would want people to call it Mayor.
If I had a penis and a mustache.
If I had a penis, which I don’t, I wouldn’t wear that thing.
If I had a penis then I wouldn’t have needed those bananas.
If I had a penis I could urinate all over anyone who tried to attack me in a public bathroom.
If I had a penis I would try to fold it and see if it hurts.
If I had a penis we’d be in trouble.
If I had a penis like that I would have to get the rest of my body in shape in order to handle the added physical stress.
If I had a penis, one of those strange harmless-looking things swinging back and forth like a baby elephant trunk.
If I had a penis I would hate the dangling feeling.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t want anyone coming anywhere near it with a knife or a scalpel or whatever.
If I had a penis I would most definitely refer to it as “the spear of destiny.”
If I had a penis full of metal, I wouldn’t be making the statement, “Hey, look at my penis full of metal!”
If I had a penis I would curl a pearl necklace around it and all the publishers would line up.
If I had a penis and red hair.
If I had a penis I wouldn’t post it online.
If I had a penis 58 inches long I would have to learn to be creative.
If I had a penis I’d have surgery to have the horrid thing removed.
If I had a penis twin it would definitely be Jerry.
If I had a penis, I thought, I’d be assisting Pierre Monteaux.








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